What had happened. I had been touched. Touched and left. No follow through. No explanation. No commitment. No safety. I liked the attention, but the touch? I could have done without.
I did what any child would do. I cried, but to no avail. So I strived. Strived for the affections of others. Strived for them to stay and not to change their minds. Just keep them happy. Vulnerable and unprotected I went along with every want of those around me. I was unsatisfied, but at least I wasn’t alone, right? But my emotions? Fading. My hope? Nonexistent. So I remained silent.
I could feel pulse of my heart slowly changing. First into mud. Oh no, no it won’t. I quickly gathered it all up, smashed it together, tighter and tighter until it dried. Now I’m safe. It will become rock – untouchable. I no longer long to be loved nor do I desire to love another. I’m no fool. I know the game. I won’t be played.
Used and abused again and again. They’ve taken what they’ve wanted and they’ve left me. And I remained silent.
Tormented even at the life I had chosen, I cried again. Cried out to be rescued, to be saved. This time from myself. But then He came. He entered my heart and called it His home. Jesus entered my soul, regenerated my spirit and called me His own. He tends to my heart and being every moment of my life like a well-watered garden. He has told me everything I’ve ever done and yet, He calls me lovely. This love? I know it’s for keeps. I am no longer silent. No. I will not be silent. Because how could it be that this King is deeply moved by my voice?
Even now I fight the desire to succumb to the whims and wants of others. But I need only to lean into the voice of my Beloved. I find that’s where I have the most clarity, vision, and strength. God has restored my dignity and worth as defined by Him, my Creator. But I’m surprised to find that each day there is more and more He has to say! He’s given me the courage to love and I find there’s more and more love to give. Jesus is winning me over, softening this heart of stone. And I’m confident now that I am safe to give Him all of me, knowing He doesn’t take that lightly. This dignity allows me to be free to choose to be undignified in my expression of love towards this God and even people, who I know are created by the same God who created me.
He has invited me on a wild, crazy adventure and I’d be a straight fool to refuse. I won’t chase the wind. I’m chasing Him.